What if I “follow the fascination”?
I have felt, before, that experience may be the whole point of existence. I will sometimes wake up in the morning and wonder - “what is the point” of all of this? But, maybe, this is the wrong question… I’ve been trying to think of something to do with my life that is meaningful - but what if I throw out deeper meaning, altogether?
I’ve wondered a lot about meaning and purpose. Through some of my experiences in meditation, I’ve brushed up against the idea that maybe there may be no deeper meaning or purpose to this experience we are having. Maybe it’s all just about the experience itself, and things really should be taken more at “face value” than trying to make them fit into some grand unknowable purpose.
Could it be that it would be better - if it really is all just “face value” – to not try to pursue a deeper meaning that doesn’t exist but, rather, to pursue “fascination”?
I’ve dealt with a lot of depression in my life. Now I’m starting to wonder if maybe a lot of the depression I’ve experienced has come from trying to force myself into a never-ending state of “getting useful things done” or trying to force things to be a specific way. But could it be possible that there really is nothing all that “useful” to get done in the first place, or any way that things are "supposed" to be? I’m not sure. But maybe leaning into this idea more, of "it just is", could be worthwhile.
So - what if I “follow the fascination”? Maybe it’s alright to follow my moment-to-moment interests, even if they don’t lead to larger successes. Maybe it’s better to be happy than to be “successful”. Maybe it’s ok to “give up” on things when I lose interest in them, instead of continually beating my head against a wall trying to figure them out, forcing something that maybe is just not meant to be, yet.
With this idea of “following the fascination”, however, comes the fear – the fear that I may become lazy or stop producing results, or that I will lose my job. But wouldn’t it be worse to lose my life – to lose it in a dull monotonous droll that goes on and on, until one day I am old and wake up to the realization that I’ve wasted my life choosing comfort and consistency over experience? Is it really worth it to force things so much, if they don’t ultimately contribute to happiness? Maybe learning to let go – to embrace the moment without putting so much pressure on the future really is the path to follow…
One of the most interesting people I’ve learned about is Leonardo da Vinci. This man seems to have really settled into the eclectic lifestyle of “living in the moment” and “following the fascination”. There is an apparently fantastic biography, written by Walter Isaacson, on Leonardo. I bought it a year or so ago, but never got very far. I’m going to pick back up where I left off and see what I can learn from this fascinating character. How did he manage to have made such an impact when he was the type of person that really did seem to have “followed the fascination”? Somehow, he was able to make it work for himself. Maybe I can, too.
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